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My sexual struggle after birth

Surrendering to the changes of motherhood  has been one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced.

Before you get bored at the mention of motherhood I hope you stick around because I am about to talk about sex and I know that’s why many of you follow me and have found my site.

On becoming a mother, my foundations were and sometimes still are absolutely shook.

I had no idea what to expect. I was nieve and had romanticised having a baby in so many ways.

From the way his father would be with me during and after pregnancy, to the way I would jump back into work, I would gentle parent always and use reusable nappies (power to you if you do), or heal with the click of my fingers and stay true to my sexual essence always.

So many illusions and fantasies I had created about how it would all pan out.

My base chakra was imbalanced and my roots so ungrounded. I was overwhelmed, resentful and scared.

Taking me so far away from myself drifting in an in between world with no idea of who I was. I almost lost myself….completely.

My mental health was at its worst state in 15 years. But most don’t know this because it has been far too raw for me and painful to share until now.

I was in one of the darkest periods of my life and I had a little one to keep alive so I pushed on through .

So when it came to sex after baby I was a mess.

At first I still had big love for sex but I struggled with the physical transitions, my jelly belly, my lopsided and crazy big titts, the transition and healing of my yoni.

Then the exhaustion set in, the resentment of being a stay at home mum and feeling unappreciated, isolated and scared and with the exhaustion came the triggers of my sexual ptsd and anxiety.

I found it hard to get through a sexual experience without needing to stop for deep breaths and to re ground myself out of an anxious state of being.

Then I found myself more disconnected than ever from my sexual self but also myself in general.

Tired, insecure, unhealthy and still struggling with the physical transitions and the balance of not being able to self care in the same ways I did pre baby.

I struggled to connect with my partner at the time for many reasons. We blamed having a baby, but that was not the only divide that was being forced between us, that would be the end of us.

He avoided and ignored and I fought.

I felt unappreciated, unseen, unloved, uncared for and the weight of motherhood and everything else that is expected of a women with a baby grew so heavy on my shoulders.

He felt his own feelings too I’m sure.

But this blog is not about dissecting my breakup.

So sex became non existent or far between.

When it returned it often felt forced, stuck, hard, scary and unfulfilling.

I felt ugly. I felt unsexy. I felt shame. I felt fear. I felt unwanted.  I felt boring. I felt unappealing and mostly just unhappy.

Sure, maybe in part it had to do with the ways I felt around feeling unsupported in the relationship, in motherhood, in my living environment. But I can not solely blame those things.

It also had to do with pride. Being hard on myself and setting unrealistic expectations in life, love and sex when it came to how I showed up in life after birth.

It also had to do with my lack of ability to remember that I mattered too, that I deserved to prioritise myself and giving to myself the luxury of self nourishment in whatever way that looked like. Which honestly on reflection just felt impossible at the start especially with little to no support.

But being the person I am I wanted to be seen to have it all figured out, to be healed from insecurities and to be strong enough to not let having a child rock me but I didn’t.

A sex coach with such massive sexual issues in her personal life, how could that be?

The people pleaser in me wanted to consistently be the sexually empowered women I promote myself to be or have been in the past. But that is not the point of this work.

This work is only truly helpful if I am honest about the imbalances I also experience.

Motherhood shook me to my core body, mind, soul & sex.

It tore me from the tracks I thought my life was heading and shredded half my dreams.

Motherhood will fuck your illusions right up.

But maybe, if I wasn’t so resistant to it, the shaking I mean, that’s how it was always meant to be.

But why does no one talk about this.

The loss of identity especially when it comes to our sexual health.

Sex transforms after birth for us all men and woman.

It can help our relationships grow deeper, more loving and free our sexual self from shame, or take us deep into the darkness of our shadow.

I am no specialist in sex, in life, in love.

But I am a human with a message.

I am brave enough to speak to the topics most of us won’t.

Sex is important to us all in one way or another.

Weather we have it or not.

Sex is important and drives us in someway.

Weather it is connection with a lover, pleasure, creative expression, lust for life and an abundant vitality we seek, all of it comes back to sex.

Sexual energy is within us all.

And motherhood for many, will make you question the ability to be sexual like you once were or once wanted to be.

But it does not have to end once you have a baby.

Sex can be even more abundant than you have ever experienced after birth.

I know, because regardless of what I just shared I have also experienced the most incredible sexual experiences after birth as well.

After I returned to devotion to my own practices and began my tantric studies.

I did find my mojo again eventually.

So I write this to remind you,

You are not ruined.

Woman, you are fire and you have burned through bullshit worse than this over history.

It takes time for many, work, devotion, and the ability to listen to the whispers from your soul.

But I promise you, you will come home if you want it enough.

Do the work and the rest will follow.

Things that supported me out of this space:

  • Walking in nature, alone, music  blasting.

  • Getting creative

  • Grounding practices

  • Meditating, dancing, singing, sleeping when I could - as baby napped or when his father could take him.

  • Being disciplined with early bedtimes.

  • Doing things for my physical presentation, even when I felt like “What’s the point, I stay at home all day”

  • Taking time to self pleasure, and after orgasm being REALLY intentional with my thoughts, visualising what I want to feel like, how I want my life to look, what I am manifesting etc as the orgasmic energy flowed throughout my body.

  • Breast  and yoni massage

  • Tantric breath work and practices.

  • Getting soul readings done as needed

  • A good therapist.

  • Studying something I was passionate about.

  • Being as present as possible with my child and remembering why I am doing this life.

  • Then tantric practices with my partner to help us connect when we were.

There is no rush to return to your sexy state post baby.

I know you may feel fear, shame, guilt and struggle with surrendering to this process especially when in relationship with another.

But the more space you give yourself to transform, the brighter your light will rise from the ashes of the old self you once were.

Give yourself space.

Give yourself time.

Go gently and let go of the expectations of how it was meant go.

Because it isn’t.

Big love

Amy Dee xxo

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